Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
