She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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