Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to calm my uterus...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
