so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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