Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
