College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
