i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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