He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
