I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
