ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
