she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
