Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
