So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
