Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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