There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
