Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
