Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
