I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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