im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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