i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
