his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Success! We fucked roommates!
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