When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
