and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
