I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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