Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

Fav 14 1497 3787
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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

Fav 5 2670 802
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(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

Fav 44 2689 5606
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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

Fav 55 5979 1813
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

Fav 3 1548 1296
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

Fav 3 2745 994
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(719): View more from Colorado

Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

Fav 7 769 1992
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(254): View more from Texas

It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.

(214): View more from Texas

You need to calm down.

Fav 1 1006 593
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(704): View more from North Carolina

He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.

Fav 0 710 299
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