I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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