Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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