My nipple is on Facebook.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
