need another drink. this is the easiest way
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
