I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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