just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
