Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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