Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
