Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
