Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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