i think my tv is drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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