paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
