Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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