Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
