No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
