Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
