Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
