he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
