I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
