Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
