the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
