I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
