Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
