I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
