My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
