My room smells like vodka and shame
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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