if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
