I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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